The web can be a dangerous place...

...especially if you're wont to go looking for as much information that you can find on a particular subject. I've been looking at websites concerning children with OCD. Apparently ADD and OCD can often go hand in hand so there's a crossover of information and a lot of it. On one website there was a FAQ section and a parent had asked what could they have done to prevent ADD in their child, one of the "possible" factors was a lack of oxygen during birth. Automatically my mind goes back to that prolapsed cord and the emergency c-section. I know it does no good to try to figure out why and who, if anyone, is to blame, and I'd be the first person to tell someone else that and mean it....for them. But for myself there are moments, not all the time but definitely moments, where I can't help but wonder "What if......". Does it do any good? Of course not but it is what it is.

It's an extremely helpless feeling to not be able to fix something for your child. And then that helplessness turns into anger. I get angry at God for starters, why should ANY child have to go through the things I see my son going through or the things I hear about a friend's child going through as a young adult. It's not fair, it's not right. And once again, I know life isn't fair, but it angers me that any child should have to suffer through any condition, medical, mental or lousy living conditions. As adults we either sink or swim through our own actions and decisions but for a child to have do fight to swim? It just isn't right.

Then I get angry at myself because I can't fix it and make life a little easier for him. And those days when I lose my patience and get momentarily angry with him I get both anger and guilt slamming through my body.

And then there are those family members, friends or acquaintances who scoff at what the family doctor, school counselor, two therapists and a child psychiatrist have said and say "He's just trying to control everyone around him. He just doesn't WANT to do x,y or z. Why doesn't x bother him if y does?" You know what? We don't know why x doesn't bother him if Y does and HE doesn't know why either! Yep, anger shows up there too.

Perhaps I should have titled this one as "My blog is an angry place..."! I'm just feeling drained and worn out the past couple of weeks. I've used up my reserves and somebody making a less than smart decision concerning the boy last week didn't help either. So yes, there's some anger there too. I'm trying to work through it all and get back to a calmer place so I can help my son as best as I can but right now I'm feeling tapped. And school starting this Wednesday has me concerned too. After talking to his therapist about it this week I've decided I need to call the school Monday and try to arrange a meeting with his teacher and the school counselor to fill them in on this summer's developments. And then try not to get too defensive for him during said meeting.

On a good day the boy is so awesome! He's even awesome on the bad days but you couldn't convince him of that. I just want to do my best for him and my girls too (I worry especially about my middle child feeling resentful of all this drama, so far so good but I couldn't blame her if she felt lost in the shuffle sometimes). And right now I'm falling way short of that goal and some of those dangerous websites don't exactly help either. Maybe I should be looking at "get rich quick" sites and then the travel sites???